Sleeping With a Girl But She Doesn't Want to Be My Girlfriend

[mynxgsthk]

there's this girl i'm into... ok, well its my ex from like 3 years ago. shes the only ex that i've ever been interested in getting back together with. well, we've been friends ever since she dumped me during my sophomore year of college. its been kind of a rollercoster ride with the highs and the lows, but generally we are very close. last summer she broke up with her bf and has been single ever since. at the time i was seeing someone, but she told me that "i am the only one for her, blah blah blah." she even seduced me into cheating on my current gf with her (well, kinda. i have to admit that it didn't take much effort Undecided). anyways, i ended up agreeing to break it off with my last gf to be with her. it took a little time but when we started to hang out more, we started to become more intimate again, sleeping with each other again and what not. the problem is that she says she is depressed and not ready to be in a relationship again. shes getting surgery done this fall and is really scared about that. she's also questioning her career path and is having some trouble with her dad. i was just wondering, what is some advice that any of you ladies can give to a guy in my situation? i really want to be with her again, and i mean offically bf/gf relationship. she says she needs time but its been like 4 months! shes feeling down. what're some things i can do to cheer her up? please, i seek real advice only. i don't wanna hear some joke reply like "make her feel happy by getting a male private part implant" or any poo like that. i would also appreciate some more substantive suggestions. not just things like "take her to a fancy restaurant, etc." thanks.

[PiegeMurbMugh]

ok-here goes. but promise not to be mad at me. This is just my interpretation of the events you described. First of all, she sounds selfish and manipulative. She also lacks self-esteem. That being said, that doesn't mean she's a bad person. Just unsure of what she wants and unable to be decisive. She was single when she came back to you. She wasn't in a relationship so SHE wasn't compromising anything when she professed her undying love to you-she had nothing to lose. So being single, and maybe depressed, or lacking the self-confirmation she needs and is used to getting from men, she comes to you.

Now, this may be hard to understand, but she needs a big boost. She knows that she could get you back if she wanted. She also is slightly perturbed by the fact that you have a girlfriend. Actually, strike that. It actually sweetens the deal. She gains confidence and self-affirmation from being able to "steal" you away from your girlfriend. It reinforces the fact that she's better than the other chick, and it reaffirms her belief that she can manipulate and control you. This is taken a step further when that's not enough for her. She doesn't want to share your affection with another chick-it's no longer fun that she's screwing things up for this other chick, now she wants your full attention. So she makes her proclamation that you're the only one for her and you break up with the other chick. It's sorta like doing drugs. You start building a tolerance and in order to get the high you need you gotta up the ante every time.

So you break up with this chick for her. And you sorta start a relationship again which feels new and exciting for a little while. Which is the apex of her fix. Then you start to sorta become bf and gf and that's not what she wants. (hate to say it) You've expressed how much tough poo she's going through right now. You've also asked what you can do to cheer her up. What is she doing for you? Are you experiencing any difficulties in any facet of your life right now, and if so, what is she doing to cheer you up? What she's giving you are a lot of excuses: ways of saying, i need someone right now (someone whom i know would do anything for me) to have around when i want him to be. But once you turn to the topic of what YOU want (to be together with her, to have a relationship) she depressed, she's not ready, she needs time. It seems like you've bent over backwards to accommodate all of her needs, yet there's no reciprocity: she is flagrantly disregarding your needs.

I know it sounds really brutal, and my intention is not to sound so pessimistic. But your relationship with her, however you define it, friendship or bf/gf, is not a mutually beneficial one. She's using you right now, and you, bless your heart, want to know what you can do to cheer her up. You can still be her friend. But if you're not getting back what you're giving then you need to create that balance. I know it sucks, especially when you really care for the person, but as long as you continue to cater to her every need while ignoring your own, she's going to take you for granted more and more. You've GOT to maintain some distance from it. It really is a matter of respect. Give to her what she gives to you. If that's not much then that's how it has to be in order for her to not take you for granted anymore. You deserve much better than that. Again, you can still be her friend, and help her through her surgery. But you've got a life too, and if you let it continue to revolve around her, you're gonna get wallupped.

Her actions are absolutely indicative of someone who is selfish and controlling-she wants you when your eyes wander but when u pay attention to her, she wants her best friend. Seriously, you sound like an awesome dude, and you really do deserve better than that. Now, if you are able to continue to pork her, yet remain emotionally detached, hit that as much as possible. Either way, i think you should see other people, or at least be a single dude. Date people or whatever it is you do. This chick has issues to deal with that concern the way she views herself...there is nothing you can do to fix that. By responding to all of her demands, you're contributing to the perpetuation of her dysfuncional cognitive process. That's not a slam on you or anything, i just think the best thing you can do for both of you is get out of that relationship. I'm sure she's a good girl, and maybe once she straightens her own poo out, she'll want to have a mutually beneficial relationship with you. But until then, you gotta do your own poo. What it really comes down to is that a friendship will be near-impossible. so long as she continues this behavior. When i kick it with my guy friends, i'm pointing out the girl with the nice unmentionables too. i don't get jealous- cuz they're my friends. I know it eats ass, it does, walkin away from someone you care about is really hard. but move on for now. go out and get some ass, and leave this chick to her own devices: really, this chick needs to figure this poo out on her own-that's the only way its gonna work for her. and maybe-MAYBE then, when she's addressed her own issues, she'll come to you when she ready-and you'll be able to tell when she's ready. But until then, ur too good not to be chasing other tail around.

[tedpealay]

Sounds like she wanted you cause she couldn't have you. Now that she has you, she doesn't want you. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence and you're not over there.

If you're going to law school and are going to become a lawyer this girl is not for you long term anyway. She's looking for that ego boost and you won't always be able to give it to her due to either busting your butt in Law School or working 50-70 hours a week at a firm. I assume you're going to law school since this is a law school board.

Run for the hills cause once you get involved more, you'll find yourself in a powerless relationship were reciprocity is nil. From there the situation only deteriates into a Jerry Springer episode.