Dealing With My Boyfriend's Parents Racist Comments

[KarexcareMula]

Ok -- so here's the story.

I went to Vegas w/ my boyfriend's parents and him. Things were pretty good, though my boyfriend and I are full o' drama with ex girlfriends and other things.

Here's a story for you guys and I appreciate feedback.

Let me preface this story by telling you all (in case you don't know) I am half Japanese, my mother is a Japanese citizen who lives in Japan.

Things in Vegas went well... we had a good time and his parents were very generous to me and took me on a nice trip. Yes, we had our moments both annoying (but not so bad) and very good.

On the way home from the airport yesterday, we were talking about Kobe beef and how good it is. I explained why it is so good and how it is unique to Japan. His father then went on to say "Japan has nothing, no oil, nothing". I said, "Actually, while their main natural resource is the fishing industry, what is interesting is that for an island nation with limited natural resources, they continue to be an economic force. In fact, they are one of the only island nations that is self-sustaining" (thank you, 9th grade social studies).

His reply to this was that Japanese people are not creative and do not make anything on their own, just take existing ideas and build on them and so ... "Japanese people are not smart" and "not nice" (the nice comment, apropos of nothing).

Now, I can take a racist slam. Really, I can. I don't like it and I think it is stupid, but ... I can take it. My concern was that my boyfriend didn't say anything.

When I confronted him, he basically said "Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you just shouldn't listen to it" and that I overreact about everything. This led to a big argument and well ... hence the unsureness of the situation.

Am I overreacting? Obviously you all don't know that there have been many problems leading up to this particular issue, but on this issue alone, am I overreacting?

[Leabiemamer]

Blood runs thicker than water. That's HIS family, you are still JUST his gf. That's just the way it is, I am not surprised at all he defended his father, and if his father makes comments like that, I am sure your boyfriend is used to that, and so it wasn't a big deal for him.

No need to overreact, in my opinion. That Japanese stereotype of them not being creative, blah blah, is pretty prevalent actually.

It's a tough one. If you make it clear to your bf that you are offended, he should stand up for you regardless of his relaxed attitude. Having said that I know how difficult it can be for a young man to confront his father's long held beliefs. It could be that they have argued about this issue many times in the past and have decided to avoid the topic to save their relationship.

I dunnno.

[TeemreptHiemn]

I have never heard of that stereotype. I mean, have you seen all the cool poo Sony comes out with on a weekly basis?

Nevertheless, any stereotype is offensive and while your BF's dad is entitled to his opinion, if the dad or the BF cared at all about your feelings, they shouldn't have expressed their opinions in front of you. The dad may not have known you're half japanese, but your boyfriend knows... he definetly could have and should have said something without necessarily having to disrespect his dad.

at the very least, he could've apologized after the fact, when he wasn't in front of his dad.

[treavaneash]

If I was dating a Chinese girl (which I am, haha), and my dad said, "Chinese people are stupid.."

I would not go off on him. But I sure as HELL wouldn't defend him either, and I would tell my gf that I am sorry, and that my dad was being dumb.

So in that sense, yea, Shermy is screwed up in a way, cause I don't see how you could agree or defend "Japanese are stupid..".

Now , as far as the lack of creativity thing. Its a stereotype first started in the East at the turn of the century, during the Meiji Reformation. Japan was an isolationist country (even with its primary neighbors Korea and China, barring Hideyoshi's FAILED (HAHA a-hole) invasion of Korea in 1592) until Admiral Perry used gunboat diplomacy to open up Japan in the mid 19th century.

At the point, the Jap gov't realized a crisis. To avoid being colonized, they had to modernize, copy the West, in a sense. Emperor also saw this as an opportunity to acquire the military might to finally crush those idiotic feudal lords that had been ruling Japan for almost all of its history. So he did just that, the Meiji reformation was about modernizing to combat outside and internal forces. The military was modernized in the Prussian fashion. Equipment was brought in from the USA. Scholars studied in France and Germany. And on and on... Japan was bent on avoiding the humiliating western incursions that were going on in the rest of Asia, and to an extent, they were successful.

However, now they had problems. They realized that the best way to invade their land was through Korea, a weak ass backwards nation that couldn't defend themselves. So, they decided to prempt any western power from taking over Korea (and hence being a short swim away from invading Japan full out), by taking over Korea. This was what the Sino- Jap war was about (1894-5?). Once the Japs kicked the might Chinese's asses, they pretty much took over Korea slowly until annexation in 1910. However, one of the provisions of the Sino-Jap war was that the Liotung Peninsula (chinese territory) was seded over to Japan. However, the West was not going to allow this, and the Triple Intervention (Germany, France, England) returned the peninsula to China. Japan learned that the West was still boss, and hence copied them even more to modernize and strengthen themselves.

Finally in 1910 they annexed Korea. This time the West didn't say anything. The Japs were too strong (they had kicked Russia's ass in a recent war), and besides, why risk war over Korea? The Big Dog was now the USA, which allowed the Japs to have Korea in exchange for USA rights in the Philipines. So there we go.

The colonial rule of Korea was copied first off the British rule of India, then the French rule of their colonies. Japan was new to this thing, and they copied, copied, and copied. Hence the continuation of this sterotype.

After WWII, the Japs realized something yet again. Again they were on the verge of having their sovereignty stripped by the West. They realized, poo, we were wrong. We can't combat the West, especially the USA, with military might. We have to do it with economic might. So they started copying off the west again, in a sense, with cars and electronics. HOWEVER, now you must give the Japs their due.

Cause a lot of the things we see today, are Jap innovations that the WEST actually copied from them. 1970s, gas crisis. Japan saw an opportunity and started selling econo box cars in teh USA. The Big 3 scoffed, saying little dinky cars were made for Japan, not the USA (which i tend to agree with) but that didn't matter, as the AMerican public, growing more tired of rising gas prices, bought these little Jap cars. The Jap car market took off, and now the trend is high quality, economical cars, which the USA has continued to play catch up to.

The walkman is another Jap innovation. The Nintendo.

But, the Japs reached their peak in the 80s. Their economy was somewhat built on shaky foundations. They were expanding too fast. Banks were loaning money to companies on sky high interest rates, cause companies were expanding fast enough to pay them back. Consumers invested in companies, FDI was solid. But their currency was overvalued. Eventually, the market dried up. Other East Asian countries (namely South Korea and Taiwan) ate up market share, and achieved their economic miracles. The Japanese machine couldn't continue. Companies showed slowing profits. They had to save on labor. They moved operations to 3rd World Countries. They cut wages, fired a bunch of people. And yet, inflation was still high, and Japan went into a recession and their economy hasn't been the same since.

Now, we wonder, where will Japan go now? What will these people try to do again, to maintain a power position in the world, in the face of a old adversary (china) becoming Asia's darlings?

Stay tuned...

[dybjqtarf]

I agree with what other people on this board have said. If he's not willing to stand up for an awesome girl as yourself, then he surely doesn't deserve you. It seems to me that you have been overwhelmingly sweet and caring to him. You have poured your heart out to this guy, and now that things don't seem as rosy anymore, you are afraid that you may never find someone like that again.

I assure you that there are plenty of guys out there that would love to be involved with you, simply because you're an all-around great girl. As for your boyfriend, it is hard to make people change in a relationship. Some things can change, but others are just personality traits which often do not change after a certain age. He even told you that you guys probably wouldn't change...a guy that is willing to work things out would not say this. Maybe he's right? I had a similar situation with one of my ex's. We had constant arguments about the dumbest things on a daily basis...that's when I figured out it would be better to split up. I really hope you can work this out since I know you care for him a lot, but don't be afraid to say good-bye if that's what your heart tells you. All of the lawvibe faithful are behind your decision!!!

[Timichoorie]

I think he should have stood up for you and said something...I can't stand it when anyone makes a remark that even stinks of racism a little bit...

How could he sit there and let his dad rip on Japanese people with you being 50% Japanese???

I would have been seriously pissed off.:mad:

My advice: dump the boyfriend.

On the other hand there are so few good men out there.

I really feel sorry for you.

Now a word to the guys: become someone a woman will want to love.

[paunceffecy]

If I've learned nothing else about men, women and in-laws (so to speak), it's that your partner has to stand up to their family when they do something offensive and you have to stand up to yours when they're offensive to your partner. If you try to fight the in-laws, they take your partner's silence as quiet approval of their actions.

I'd say talk to your boyfriend and explain that if he doesn't disagree with his father, he needs to be honest about it now rather than later. Main phrase to remember: don't waste my time or yours. If you remind your partner that they lose time when they waste it lying to you, they'll remember that it's about them, too.

I'd also explain that even though he is unwilling to stand up to his father on his own behalf, you are not him, and you deserve to be defended. While it's not your job to educate his father, who is is desperate need of it, it is your job to remember that you don't need to take crap from anyone. I don't care who it is, you're too old to deal with other people's mental issues. Tell bf that there's no future for the two of you if he can't stand up for you now, because I really don't think you want to deal with it once you're married and there's more at stake than just hurt feelings. Remember, everything you see now is just a precursory glimpse into your future together. Can you stand 30 years of this?

Good luck with any steps you take...

[ZehixRufot]

first id like to basically back up what everyone else said...i mean just as a general demographic, most lawvibers have apparently an adequate amount of common sense, hopefully.

i think if that ever happened to me, id prolly be sitting the dumbfounded and thinking what the fuck is happening? at this day and age? and wheres my backup? heh heh id prolly consider what this boyfriend fellow thinks himself though as in how he treats u and his personally feelings towards ur heritage...because hes been raised by his father and obviously that leaves a great impression on who he is all that jazz...

[Nikoloslik]

his silence is problematic in that he doesnt seem to take offense to it, neither for u in terms of ur mothers origin, and for u in terms of a person...his dad basically insulted u and he took it, not standing up for in both instances. thats pretty weak considering ur supposed to have a strong relationship..my advice would be to talk to this asshole =) known as your boyfriend and either make him see ur perspective and how he hurt u and to tell him to respect u and stand up for u whenever (any any anyone - family included) insults u to ur face. the reason ignorant people remain ignorant is because they dont get all the information or theyre just too old and the letting them be is one thing but allowing them walk all over u is another.